Completely unaware of the previous noticeable hustle and bustle of the bar, Jadzia Dax could not believe her eyes. There was no way a pale, flesh-and-blood Lenara Kahn was standing in front of her, just as she had wished for it to happen since her departure. Almost unconsciously, her hands moved and went to clasp those of the woman, as if to assure herself that she was really there; reflexively, Lenara returned the squeeze, smiling sweetly: «Yes, Dax, I’m here… I’m really here.»
Their fingers intertwined gently, palm against palm. Lenara rubbed her thumbs over the backs of the other woman’s hands in an attempt to lessen the tension that she knew pestered her and still didn’t seem to want to leave her for any reason.
Kahn longed deeply to talk to Jadzia, she had a tremendous need to make amends for the way they had parted, for the way she had behaved towards her, for how she had failed to realise that she was driven by her fear, more than anything else. Suddenly Quark’s Bar seemed far too crowded and too noisy to sustain the conversation necessary. A more intimate and quiet place, more respectful of their privacy, that could welcome them and put them at ease would be required: «Do you mind if we get out of here? I don’t feel particularly comfortable at the moment, among all these people, and… Jadzia, I really, really need to be alone with you… just with you…»
«No, of course not…» Jadzia finally seemed to find her voice again, a shy, hopeful smile appearing on her face, although her eyes betrayed the tension and fear of being cast aside once more, of not being once again a good enough reason for the woman she loved to stay. Lenara’s stomach clenched as she read all this in Jadzia’s eyes, and once more she regretted having left the station a few days earlier. She thanked fate for giving her the chance to return to Deep Space 9 to make amends, even though she had perhaps preferred to avoid risking her life.
«Where would you prefer to go?» asked Jadzia, leaving Lenara’s hands just long enough to rise to her feet, then hurrying to help her up in turn, driven by a protective instinct so powerful it almost hurt: although the woman seemed fine, in her eyes she was fragile and in danger of breaking at any moment.
«Are you okay with going to one of the holosuites Quark is so proud of? I’m sure he has a programme available that faithfully replicates Trillius Prime and there are definitely…» Jadzia was stopped by the ghost of a kiss on the lips.
Lenara took the opportunity to intervene: «Your quarters will be fine, Jadzia… they’re much more intimate and we’ll run less risk of being interrupted.»
***
Ferrari and Bashir continued talking long after they left Quark’s Bar, walking along the Promenade without paying too much attention to the people who, like them, populated the Promenade . They were both surprised by Lenara’s appearance, considering her recovery was still a long way off and how unfit she still seemed to be, despite the important steps forward she had made so far.
Their conversation was interrupted by Ferrari’s communicator, who signalled a call from Ensign Rebim Nyra, the Beta shift’s operations officer: «Europa to Lieutenant Ferrari.»
With an apologetic glance at Bashir, Ferrari activated the communication on his own end: «Lieutenant Ferrari here. What is it, Ensign?»
«Captain T’Vok requests your presence on board as soon as possible.»
«Stand by for a moment, Europa.» Ferrari turned to Bashir, who waved a hand dismissively, intending to imply that he wasn’t worried: «Duty calls, no need to keep him waiting, especially if it has the face of a Vulcan.» The woman sneered, but a moment later her face was serious again, as always: «Let me know if there is any development, Doctor.» He nodded, smiling in turn. Before she could ask the Europa to be beamed aboard, he added: «Congratulations again on your promotion, Lieutenant.» Ferrari, with a slight smile of thanks and a wave of his hand, got back in touch with Europa and, a few moments later, vanished to the ship’s transporter.
***
«Are you sure this is a good idea, Lenara?» Jadzia found herself asking for the umpteenth time after letting the other woman into her quarters, who gave her an exasperated look before answering: «Yes, Jadzia, I told you that I am not only sure, but certain, that this is a good idea! How many more times do you have to ask me the same question to be absolutely certain yourself?»
Dax’s living quarters, like all those on Deep Space 9, were large and spacious, opening into an airy living area, normally decorated and furnished differently according to the tastes of the occupants, and tended to feature not simply the standard Cardassian-style furniture that characterised the base, but also a whole range of items that screamed out who owned those flats. In Jadzia’s case, it was possible to see typical elements of Trill culture juxtaposed with some Klingon objects, of which she was a great admirer, and Human or Bajoran objects, also demonstrating the multifaceted nature of the friendships maintained by one’s past – remote or otherwise.
Immediately next to the entrance, to the right, was a large grey sofa on which even a Kzinti would be comfortable, and behind it were some plants. Lenara, aided by Jadzia, carefully took a seat on it; the other woman, after muttering a «Sorry,» made to turn towards the replicator, asking Kahn if she would like anything.
«An herbal tea will do,» Lenara replied, «thank you.» But when Jadzia returned with the herbal tea and a cup of Raktajino, Kahn took both drinks from Jadzia’s hands and placed them on the small table in front of them. She turned back to Dax, extending a hand to her: «Come sit here next to me, Jadzia. Please.» After an initial hesitation – Jadzia seemed torn by doubt as to what to do and how to move – she grabbed Kahn’s hand and sat down beside her, the fingers of the two women instinctively intertwining, as if not wanting to run the risk of losing each other, their knees touching.
«Jadzia, please, don’t be like this,» Lenara begged her, gently massaging one of the woman’s knees with her other hand, before continuing, «don’t be so tense, please… trust me, you really have no reason, really… I’m not going to let you go.» Although she understood, deep down, Jadzia’s reluctance, Kahn was beginning to be exasperated by her erratic behaviour: if at certain moments she seemed to want to approach her, with almost intimate glances and gestures, at others she seemed to close in on herself, guarded and circumspect.
For her part, Dax realised that she was overwhelmed by conflicting feelings, but had not yet found a way out of them… and this put her in serious difficulty, as she realised that she could not let herself be carried away by a situation she had fervently hoped would happen.
Still clutching Lenara’s hand spasmodically, Dax gave her a look so hurt that the other woman found herself swallowing, so strong was the pain that could be read in it: «Lenara… I love you. But I can’t, maybe I can’t, forget the fact that you decided to leave… and that hurt so, very much. It hurts even now, in truth.»
For a moment, Jadzia’s gaze showed a vulnerability that almost frightened Lenara, who never imagined she would see such an expression on the face of the other woman, who had always been strong: «It was never my intention to hurt you, Jadzia. Please forgive me… I was so scared – to be honest, I still am now – paralysed by my fears, that I took what was, what felt like, the easiest path to protect myself.» Her eyes were now clouded with a veil of tears as she continued: «I have always been a dutiful person, even when that entailed setting myself aside for the greater good… it’s why I made it through the final stages of the Symbiosis Programme with very little difficulty: I would hardly have been overpowered by my symbiont, whatever it was. I always valued my symbiont’s life, but for the first time… Kahn was no longer the most important thing, because you were. And I didn’t want it to be that way. I couldn’t allow it, it would have destroyed all my beliefs, it would have destroyed myself.»
Lenara took a deep, shuddering breath, before continuing, «The truth, Jadzia, is that you are more important. And I would rather sacrifice Kahn than lose you, because you.» She grasps Jadzia’s hands firmly. «You and only you, are the most important to me. And I am sure – no, I am certain – that I am not influenced by my symbiont, because… because I remember a moment of total abstraction, as if I was no longer in my body… my consciousness was separate even from Kahn’s – I assume it was during the surgery conducted by your doctor and the one from Europa – and the feeling of emptiness was exacerbated by not knowing you by my side.»
For a few long moments, Jadzia merely stared at the other woman almost as if she did not see her: the words Lenara had spoken undeniably touched her heart, those were the words she wanted to hear from the very beginning, just as she would have liked to have had her by her side from the very beginning, instead of seeing her leave with the certainty of never seeing her again. But at the same time, something else was making its way inside her, dictated by the insane fear of not being as honest in her feelings towards Lenara as Lenara was proving to be towards her. The risk of being overwhelmed by one’s symbiote was quite high – the main reason why would-be new hosts were usually subjected to a whole series of high-level psychological and psychiatric tests – especially if the symbiote, like Dax, had a temper of its own and previous hosts with their own particular history, but Jadzia had never thought about that until now. Now, however, the fear that her feelings were not as pure as Lenara’s came overpowering to her, making her fear the very influence she had always felt she could keep at bay.
She freed herself, as gently as possible, from Kahn’s grasp and then stood up and, passing the small table placed nearby, went to stand in front of one of the large portholes that cut a window on the surrounding universe, arms crossed under her breasts, almost as if to embrace herself. She was visibly trembling, uncontrollably. Lenara watched her for a while, before venturing to speak and say something to her – «Jadzia…?» – but she interrupted herself almost immediately, realising she didn’t quite know what to say and seeing, however, the other woman took a deep breath, before turning to her.
«Lenara…»
They looked into each other’s eyes for a long time, unable to let go of each other’s gaze. Jadzia maintained the pride that had always distinguished her, and would not move an eyelid, even though unspeakable uncertainties were clashing in her chest and mind. Lenara was finally sure of herself, of what she wanted, of what she felt: she wanted the woman she loved to see this confidence, which was what Jadzia herself had tried to bring out in the days they had spent together before her departure, without wanting to show herself weak in any way.
Lenara got up from the sofa moving towards Jadzia, still looking the other woman in the eyes. They were now facing each other, but dared not even touch: the fear that something would break between them was palpable. Jadzia felt a tear roll down her cheek. Lenara saw it run down to the corner of her lips and worried: she did not want to show it yet, she lifted an arm imperceptibly, she wanted to wipe away the tear and kiss those lips, but she restrained herself. She didn’t understand how far she could go, and Dax wasn’t encouraging her.
«Lenara…» tried Jadzia again, inhaling and closing her eyes for a moment, «… I don’t want to deny that I love you. I loved you before and I love you now. But what would have happened if your transport hadn’t had that horrible accident that forced Europa to come to your aid and bring you and Bejal back here for extensive medical care? You would never have been able to discover that your love for me existed without Kahn. And you would not have returned to me.»
Lenara found herself confirming once again what she had already said: «My love for you is – she searched for the best word – mine. It does not depend on the echo of a past history between Kahn and Dax.» She did not understand why this concept bothered Jadzia. What was wrong with letting herself be loved, when she had first declared her love for her?
The two Trills were facing each other, now close enough to embrace, but they did not. Jadzia, for the first time since she had met Lenara, felt that she was the one out of place, the one at fault; Lenara had begun to fear that Jadzia would back off, that the situation between them, now that she could have finally smoothed it out, would instead be reversed.
Once again Jadzia inhaled, squinting her eyes, as if preparing her words before saying: «I can never love you as you love me. Can you understand that?» Lenara’s breath caught in her throat, yet she mustered all the breath she had to say, in a tone that was perhaps too high, what her heart and the many lives of the symbiont she carried with her had insinuated into her mind: «You rekindled the love between Dax and Kahn, you spurred me on to break the laws,» she raised her voice again, «you took me in your arms, and now that I finally run to you… you come to tell me that you don’t love me enough?»
Jadzia raised her hands as if to defend herself against the aggressiveness of the accusations she was receiving: «You told me that Kahn is not influencing you, that the desire you feel is yours. But how do I know that my desire has not been influenced by Dax?» And she pointed to the symbiont in her belly: «Tell me, how can I» now exasperated she continued, «guarantee that it is I, myself, who loves you and not it?»
«I did not ask you that!» Lenara tried to interrupt Jadzia’s stream of words, but she showed no sign of wanting to interrupt herself for any reason. «Must I also have a near-death experience? Must I be separated from Dax? Tell me, how can I look you in the eye and say ‘I love you’ and be sure I am the one to say it? How can I tell you that it is me?»
«I didn’t ask you that, Jadzia,» she repeated exasperatedly.
«But I am the one asking, Lenara! I don’t know if I’m your equal any more, it used to be different, I used to be the one who…»
Lenara was unable to restrain herself and slapped the cheek of the woman in front of her, a gesture she immediately regretted in the next instant: the same hand with which she had just struck Jadzia immediately ran in front of her own face, as if to hold back a sob.
«First it was you… what? Was it you who had a bloody little Curzon in your stomach that made you the bold one, the one who courted me, who wanted to defy everything and everyone? Now that I’m in that role, and without Kahn telling me what to do, you’re no longer OK with it?»
The tears on Jadzia’s face came one after the other. She was dumbfounded: she had not expected such an action from the other Trill. Lenara stood for a few seconds looking at her: despite the harshness of the moment she still felt the desire to embrace the other woman, but Kahn had now taken over and the lucidity of the symbiont, until now excluded from this game of feelings, forced her to move away, to protect herself: «I’m going back to Sickbay.»
The last thing Jadzia saw, before she collapsed on herself sobbing, was the doors of her quarters close behind Lenara.
***
Once she materialised in one of the Europa transporter rooms, Ferrari made her way briskly to the bridge and Captain T’Vok’s office, alerted of her arrival by the transporter officer on duty. In the turmoil of the previous days, the young woman had found herself unexpectedly promoted to the rank of Lieutenant, making her a candidate for certain key roles within the crew hierarchy, especially considering how some of her colleagues had agreed to transfer to other vessels. Of necessity virtue.
When she arrived on the bridge, she found the Bajoran, Leeda Sevek coordinating activities and the station occupied by First Officer R’Mau, Captain T’Vok’s faithful right-hand man since well before Europa, absence. She took no immediate notice at the time, considering that the Caitian had been admitted to the Infirmary following some clashes against the Dominion immediately prior to entering the Bajoran Tunnel to return to the Alpha Quadrant, sustaining some rather serious injuries. Despite being scheduled to depart a few days later, the bridge and the rest of the ship still had a small number of crew members on duty, to allow everyone to fully enjoy their granted leave.
Ferrari’s attention did not linger too long on her surroundings, failing to notice that Leeda was no longer wearing the typical uniform of the operations department, replaced by one in the colours of the command, and that the full rank of Commander was displayed on his collar.
Arriving at the entrance to the Captain’s ready room, she announced her presence by ringing the bell and, a moment later, T’Vok’s voice gave her permission to enter. The room, with its understated furniture, was dominated by a minimal desk, behind which sat T’Vok, Captain of the Europa since the vessel’s launch a few months earlier in 2372. Also present in the room was R’Mau, who barely turned towards Ferrari when he heard her enter, greeting her with an imperceptible nod, before turning back to the Vulcan – Ferrari discreetly stood aside, imperceptibly arching an eyebrow: «The Leonidas is almost at rendezvous point, Captain. Request permission to disembark.»
The Vulcan nodded: «Permission granted… Captain. Live long and prosper.»
«Peace and long life,» R’Mau replied, before turning and, for the last time, walking out of her former commanding officer’s office. Passing by Ferrari, he paused for a moment – «Congratulations again on your promotion, Lieutenant. Keep it up and you will have a rewarding and successful career ahead of you.» – After which he walked away, stride determined and head held high, towards his first command, an Ares -class vessel belonging to a line of starships mainly created for war.
Once the entrance was sealed again, Ferrari turned to the Vulcan woman, taking a few discreet steps forward and asking: «You wanted to see me?» The other woman nodded: «Yes, Lieutenant. It is my intention to assign you as the new Operations Officer for the Europa. Now that Commander Leeda holds the position of XO, we are lacking someone to hold the position of Operations Officer for Alpha Shift and its department – Commander Cartier has agreed to hold that of Second Officer. The most suitable person to take that position, also on the advice of Captain R’Mau and Commander Leeda himself, is you.»
Ferrari arched an eyebrow: «I am honoured that you have put in a good word for me, Captain, however, I am a pilot… holding such a position also requires other skills, all things considered.» The Vulcan arched an eyebrow: «All things considered, Lieutenant, I believe you are the most logical choice for the role I am asking you to fill from now on. You have proven to be efficient and effective in managing and coordinating the department you have referred to up to this point and have received much praise from your subordinates and colleagues. I believe you will be perfectly capable of taking on new responsibilities, Lieutenant. This is an excellent boost for your career in Starfleet.»
Ferrari merely nodded, thoughtful: she hadn’t – yet at least – thought about making a career of it, definitely not so quickly, but it would never do to miss an opportunity when it presented itself in front of her, even without having looked for it it would be wrong to not taken it. It was ironic, she thought: all the last opportunities had been in front of her practically ‘by accident’, with her having stumbled upon them or with someone who had served her the right opportunities. It was time for her to take her own destiny into her own hands, directing it towards a specific path.
Before dismissing the Lieutenant, Captain T’Vok added a few words, almost absent-mindedly, as well as ‘absent-mindedly’ as one could for a Vulcan: «You will also be part of the command staff from now on. The first meeting will be tomorrow morning, 0700 hours: I expect you to arrive on time.»
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